Bougie Ratmonks
Waking up in Knotty Pine at 7am thanks to what was either a community leaf blowing contest or the sound of 56 air mattresses and river tubes being inflated in preparation for a Utah family reunion, we were again reminded that we had left the safe haven of Preston and Mountain Valley behind. There was no easing gently into the day with a quiet cup of coffee on our immaculate patio before heading in for a steaming hot shower. Instead there was just motorized blowing and the sound of a very polite battle to the death between 14 siblings in the pool. Even the motorcycle gang across the street was disturbed and loaded up their crank cases to head for quieter parts.
Amber’s perfect hair emerged and we decided that today would be the day to go to Park City. Home to the 2002 Winter Olympics, Park City is the Aspen or Vail of Northern Utah. Stunning slopes dotted with ski lifts mark the horizon. It is a hopping ski destination in the winter. In the summer it is home to Olympic Park, where you can ride a single seat go kart roller coaster into the mountains or sail down the mountain in the luge slides.
I desperately want to come here in the winter, without the kids, and sit in the chic lodge watching snow fall and pretending that I grew up affluent enough to know how to ski.
The good news is that Covid is being recognized as a thing here, so everyone had masks on and the lines were held to social distancing. I love socially distant lines. I hope these dots that train everyone not to stand close to me remain a part of our culture forever and ever. All I’ve ever wanted is to be able to stand in line, fearlessly, knowing that a giant man dripping July sweat is not going to sidle up and get his juices on me.
I was prepared for the mask mandate with my carefully organized Pandemic PackTM. This pack holds masks for four, rub in and spray hand sanitizer, tissues, and antibacterial wipes. The Pandemic PackTM also holds two light day tampons for nose bleeds. Hear me out. I feel like it is entirely possible that violent nosebleeds will either soon be announced as a symptom of Covid OR that every violent nosebleed that spontaneously occurs will be declared a positive Covid case and added to the daily counts (Depending on where you fall on the pandemic vs plandemic spectrum. No judgement from me.) Either way, the Pandemic PackTM is prepared for anything.
We bought tickets to ride both the terrifying coaster and the more gentle Alpine Slide. Waiting in line for the coaster was excruciating, masked up and quietly baking in the direct sun. Once loaded it was gorgeous, shooting you in your little plastic single or double man cart up to the top of the mountain. Nearing the top of the mountain, things just…stopped. Zack and Petey were in the front, Amber and Audrey behind them, Mark and I in the next two single carts. The boys had already zipped over the top and down the mountain. The rest of us sat and sweated, the yells of the boys getting fainter and fainter. Just as I was hoping that we would get to have a daring rescue and I could not only write about it but also start demanding comped tickets to things, the engine groaned to life and we were on our way.
The resort area was also covered with these little furry rat things that ran around and also looked very tempting to pick up. Until we saw one eating the head of one of its dead comrades as we ski lifted over it. The girl working the slide confirmed that you do not want to try to pet these, that they are a breed of squirrel native to Northern Utah and known for chewing their way into backpacks to steal snacks.
Freshly luged, we caught the bus to Main Street Park City. Main Street is…..in a word……bougie. It is the bougiest bougie to ever bouge.
It is incredible to look at, strings of brightly colored tall houses sitting very close to each other in a way that looks a lot like San Francisco. I have to imagine it is just breathtaking with a fresh layer of snow on it. Art galleries sat next to boutiques boasting $150 tank tops which sat next to an endless string of high end jewelry stores. Pantagonia and North Face loom large as anchors at each end of the street. After lunch at a local pizza place we quickly realized that this is not the place to casually souvenir shop with four kids in tow and quickly placated them with ice cream and headed back to the shuttle. We wound up waiting for the shuttle with the actual shuttle driver who told us that the people who work in Park City don’t live in Park City. They actually live in Heber City and drive in.
Heber City. The land of Preston. Sigh.
We made it back to the RV Park to discover that nothing had been taken from our site, but that the family reunion up the way has swelled to about 50. A group of them were attempting to bathe from sinks in the bathroom when I went in, so it look like I might be brushing my teeth in the woods tonight.
The Utah squirrel rat things are also all over the park. Petey and Audrey have christened them Ratmunks. A small ratmunk family inhabits the rocks surrounding the pool directly across from our campsite. As Amber and I set about getting dinner ready a herd of children from the inflatable mattress fame next door set about trying to capture the ratmunks.
It. Was. Amazing.
Dressed in pajamas and armed with a variety of weaponry from Ritz crackers, to plastic spoons, to a lacrosse stick, to hunks of ham, the children did their best to seal the openings and force the ratmunks out. A small girl dug a hole with the spoon in an attempt to create another opening to the ratmunk fortress. She rubbed the hole with the ham hunk and left a Ritz cracker at the opening to entice the rodents out. Meanwhile, her brother was elbow deep in a dark hole a few feet away.
Evan started popping Jiffy Pop on the grill to settle in to watch. Zack wandered by and did a double take. “Do we have a 127 Hours situation brewing?”
Eventually the mom surfaced and discovered all four of her kids with hands clutching crumbling crackers stuck into dark tunnels. She shook her head and went back to their RV as the eight of us angled our chairs toward the scene and hunkered down for dinner and show.
After dinner we built a fire so we could all have some asthma and s’mores. As we stoked the fire a dark rodent thing ran by with half a Ritz cracker in its mouth.
Petey headed into the RV to get ready for bed. She hustled out to whisper in my ear. “I think there’s a ratmunk trapped in our RV. I didn’t want to say anything in front of dad because I figured you would want to keep it.”
Yes, queen. Yes.
Tonight we sleep with what may be a rabid rodent loose in our RV. I am still willing to bet it will be one of my top five nights of sleep ever. Tomorrow we head to Deer Creek for the last leg of this little journey. We are supposedly right on water and surrounded by hiking trails, but this time at Knotty Pine has left us a little suspicious of internet descriptions.
Ratmunks.